On Relationships
We all want people to love us, and we want to love. That’s just part of life. We all want to feel validated by someone other than our family. However, I think some of us are far too desperate for a relationship, and yet remain uneducated and emotionally immature. What I’m going to talk about here isn’t sugar coated. I’m not trying to soften the blow. Gen Z has lost the plot for good connections, and I’d like to explain why.
In the past few years, a myriad of convoluted terms have popped up on social media platforms to justify people’s behavior in unfulfilled relationships. Let’s discuss a few.
The first is the concept of a “situationship”. It’s a relationship, but without any of the communication and commitment. This is just friends with benefits. The idea of this is that you get the validation of a relationship, but still being able to hit on other people. You might be asking, “What’s the difference between this and an open relationship?” Well, it lacks communication and clarity. People in situationships seem to not want to define what the other person “is” to them. They refuse to use the term “relationship,” “partner”, or otherwise. I find this extremely immature for a few reasons. Firstly, if you’re attracted to them, tell them that! If you truly find them special, make the connection exclusive! Don’t keep it open with the assumption that someone else “better” will appear. You’re not trying to find the “perfect” person; you’re finding someone who resonates with you. Nobody is perfect, and neither are you. Another problem I have with situationships is that so, so often, the quality of feelings on both sides isn’t matched. Usually, one person likes the other more, and sometimes one person likes someone that doesn’t like them back. This will only end in heartbreak. Please have a conversation with your situationship about what you “are”. Clarity is key for good connections.
Next is a legitimate pet peeve for me; delusionships. This is even worse than situationships; it’s a parasocial relationship with someone you barely know, or even a celebrity. You’re just simping for someone who might not even know you exist. To simp for someone so potently and get nothing in return is a recipe for disaster. And yes, celebrity crushes and “stans'' count as delusionships. These kinds of crushes are not healthy.
Next is the “3/6/9 month rule”, something you may often see online. It tells us that after a certain amount of time, the “honeymoon” phase will disappear. You’ll become jaded to the connection, and the nature of the relationship will change. Some even argue that after this period of time, you will break up, to which I ask: have you actually ever loved, or even just liked someone? Relationships, if communication is open, will not magically break apart after a certain amount of time. If you’re genuine, this won’t happen. The idea behind this is that people’s facades often fail after 3-6 months, to which I say: don’t put up a facade. If they only like who you pretend to be, they don’t actually like you.
The last concept really grinds my gears. It’s the “ick”, a behavior your crush or partner does that causes you to feel put off or disgusted by them. Some say that these can be grounds to break up. Examples of icks include standing a certain way, drinking a pink or “girly” drink, ALLERGIC to X Y or Z, navy blue sheets on their bed (???) or puts on chapstick. This is so insidiously aligned with patriarchy and toxic masculinity, and we’re upholding it! So many icks are just a man being comfortable in his own skin, letting himself do things that are stereotyped as feminine. By shaming your partner for these behaviors, you’re essentially repeating the “not man enough” talking points. Again, I have to ask: do you even like your partner? Silly little behaviors should not be grounds to break up. If it truly bothers you for some reason, talk to them. But please, do not shame them for their harmless behaviors.
We’ve even been seeing a trend lately where women will ask their partner, usually a man, to clean up a small spill they intentionally created. If the man cleans it up effectively, they’re a keeper. The Clementine Test is the same; a woman asks their partner to peel a clementine for them, and sees if they agree. My god, guys. Can we raise our standards just a little bit higher? If your partner cannot figure out how to clean spilled ketchup, they’re weaponizing incompetence. They’re forcing those jobs onto you, whether they realize it or not. The idea of your partner doing small acts of kindness for you is a basic expectation in a relationship. Here are some other basic expectations:
Treating you with kindness and respect. Your partner must want to be kind to you and make you happy. If your partner does not want you to be happy, please dump their ass.
Communicating. If something comes up, you talk about it with your partner. Also, texting you with frequency. Wanting to hear about your day, what you’re doing, etc. If they’re leaving you on read often, they’re not putting their share of effort in.
Making plans together. You should not be the only date planner in the relationship. Both of you should come up with fun things to do together. Also, your partner must WANT TO SPEND TIME WITH YOU. If they avoid making plans, talk to them.
Find you attractive. Your partner must actually think you’re attractive, and they should tell you that at least occasionally.
Conflict resolution. When you disagree with your partner, you can both talk about it peacefully without raising your voices. For small disagreements, sometimes you can agree to disagree.
Emotional support. If you’re having a bad day, they’ll offer words of comfort and encouragement. This is basic human empathy.
Gift giving. This doesn’t have to be often, but on birthdays and anniversaries, giving each other gifts is expected.
These are the bare minimums for relationships. If you find these things aren’t maintained in your relationship, please talk with your partner. Even further, if you feel that something is missing in the relationship, talk to them. Now, let’s address some misconceptions people have about relationships.
Firstly, stop making the man or person you're dating the main character of your life. They should be a nice addition to your life, but you must be fulfilled otherwise. If and when the relationship goes south, you need to be your own person with your own hobbies.
People are not possessions. You don't own them. You cannot lose something you don't own; you can only experience it. So, if a partner no longer wants to be with you, don’t bargain to try and stay together. If they don’t like you anymore, you can’t do anything to change that. Move on.
When you say yes when you want to say no, you are actually emotionally untrustworthy. This is especially true for intimacy; don’t let yourself get coerced into sex and don’t stand up for yourself (This is EXCLUDING gr8pe, obviously). And if you say, “Well, I don’t feel comfortable saying no”, please talk to them. If they try to shame or gaslight you, dump their ass.
Your perception of a crush is different than how they actually are. A crush is a lack of information; you don’t know them. This is why people who crush really hard on someone then get in a relationship are often disappointed. You’ve created a fantasy of what they hoped the person was, and oftentimes that’s not accurate to them.
People who are not treating you well are not going to treat you better if you work harder. Trying to improve yourself, look prettier, or provide more for them won’t change their feelings. If they seem happier after you begin to excessively cater to them, they’re manipulating you. Straight up.
If you get triggered by something, it’s usually not anyone else’s fault. That’s your own personal baggage to deal with. So, if you need to do some healing after a previous relationship, don’t put that on anyone else but yourself, and hopefully a mental health professional. Don’t make other people your therapists; fucking get a real one.
Where there is no effort, there should be no opinion. If your partner wants you to dress differently, wear makeup, or do something new, they should be the one to pay for it. If they want the house to be cleaner, they should do it themselves.
Assertiveness feels like aggression when our baseline is people pleasing. Sometimes, you need to assert your feelings clearly and firmly. It might feel harsh, but you really have to tell your partner how you’re feeling. I know it's hard to share your feelings, but if you don't communicate, they won't know.
Overall, the trend towards noncommittal relationships is misguided. You owe your partner clarity, and more importantly, you owe yourself closure and happiness.
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